From My Journal | Sherrie Lord

From My Journal

Sep / 06 / 2009
The fear creeps in, dark and roiling in my stomach. It makes me nauseated.
❧

Not A Poser

The following is from my journal, dated Saturday, September 5, 2009:

Not A Poser — Ah-ha, that should be the name of my blog. As I’m not a Poser in motorcycling, perhaps I should let that attitude bleed into my writing life and my blog. Perhaps I should be one who’s real, open about my struggles, my illness, my fear and panic, my shaky self-confidence — all of it. Isn’t anything less, posing?

I’m not a Poser.

I am a biker.

I am an artist, frail and uncertain, but compelled to do my art.

I blogged today about taking back my time, and not giving so much of it away on Facebook and Twitter. But I gave a couple hours to Facebook anyway, writing a letter of apology to (person), to asking (person) to be my friend, then to searching for my author-friends’ fan clubs. So I could join, because I’ve been wrong in not supporting them. Then I looked at a few of their blogs, seeking good ones to subscribe to.

It may not be a good thing for me to investigate my colleagues, because I only learn about their success. And it reminds me that I’m not, and how much ground I lost when I lost all those years because I lost that fight at the stoplight with the car that didn’t see it and didn’t see me.

Why do I want to keep riding my bike?

The fear creeps in, dark and roiling in my stomach. It makes me nauseated.

When did every day become such a struggle? It’s like I don’t know what I am, who I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to be doing.

I wish it were as simple as locking my office and getting a job. I wish it were as simple as selling my bike. I wish it were as simple as dying tomorrow.

I asked (person) if he ever got so sick in his cancer treatments that he begged for death. He said no. I wish I had his confidence, his hope.

I think I should forget all this other crap, this static and competing signals stepping on my broadcast. I think I should resign from Facebook and Twitter and even my authors newsgroup, and do what worked before. I shut off the outside, holed up in my office, and wrote. I apprenticed under my own tutelage. And I wrote two books. And they both got published.

Please, God, be enough.

Hugs, Sherrie ;-}

COMMENT